I DREAM OF SHEILA: HOPE SPRINGS
(Script Writer: PurnaChandra Sharma)
<Screen lights up>
<Phone rings>
Me: <Caller ID: PR><deep sigh>Yes?
<Split screen>
PR<Preet Ramani>: WASSHUPP! PC, bro?
Me: <exasperated> Mitt, no one says “wasshupp” anymore and if you have to know, everything’s gone downhill since you skipped town after the, need I remind, self-inflicted 47% of a disaster.
PR: Ouch. We had a bit of a setback, didn’t we?
Me: <amused> If you call “face down in the mud” situation a “setback”. Yes, it was.
PR: That’s just a PoV. Anyways. Listen, I got some fantastic action going on. Got the time?
Me: Mitt, I am in the middle of…
PR: For the thousandth time, it’s “Preet”. The name’s Ramani. Preet Ramani. <wink><wink>
Me: Whatever.
PR: I am moving out of the country. Guess where?
Me: Libya?
PR: <laughing> You are funny, bro.
Me: Congo?
PR: No
Me: Burundi?
PR: Your country.
Me: <aghast> Leave my motherland alone. What business you’ve got?
PR: Gonna set up shop with Modi-fi. Yeah, things are looking up. Yeah, baby, yeah.
Me: Modify India?
PR: No. Modi-fi in India.
Me: I am lost.
PR: Modi-fi. The Man. The Dude. You know. Am gonna be running the Treasury and …
Me: Modi Bhai?!!! YOU ACTUALLY MEAN “MODI BHAI”? Ha! ha! ha! That’s what I call “starting on the wrong note.” Bro, you are a delight. <Sternly> Learn the lingo. It’s “B-H-A-I”. Not “F-I.”
PR: Darn it! <paper rustling> Let me write it down. I should file a complaint with YouTube.
Me: YouTube??
PR: Yeah, been taking lessons. Can’t believe the free stuffs you can find. he! he! he!
Me: HA! HA! HA! HA!
PR: HA! HA! HA! HA!
Me: Stop it.
PR: Can’t help it, bro, when you are laughing with me.
Me: I wasn’t laughing with you. I was LAUGHING AT YOU. You do know the difference, don’t you?
PR: <smile disappears>You are hurting my feelings.
Me: Hurting your …? Let’s talk about your senses first. DON’T YOU THINK IT’D MAKE SENSE TO HIRE AN ACTUAL TUTOR? A LIVING BREATHING QUALIFIED TUTOR. Call it an “investment” to set up shop with “Modi-fi”. <Sarcasm>
PR: <pouting> Now that really hurts. You talking to me about “investment” and all. Like my Harvard MBA is for nothing. It saves money, you know.
Me: <rolling my eyes> Your horse cost … Never mind.
PR: <smile reappears>So, you know now, why I changed my name. All part of the plan. <wink><wink>
Me: Please stop saying “wink wink” with angle brackets. Changing you name does not make you a citizen. Someone forgot to tell you?
PR: <emphatically> I Am! Now!
Me: <shocked> Let me guess. You greased “Modi-fi” with “FDI” in “ICICI”. <sarcasm>
PR: <laughing> Dude, you really are funny. Heck, no. It’s all legit.
Me: Why, you found out your cousin’s mother’s great grandfather is Italian. <snickering>
PR: <with sudden rage> Please don’t even say “Italian” to me. My blood boils. <muttering>Those … <unprintable expletives>
Me: Relax. I was being funny. Now tell me. Seriously.
PR: <business-like> Well, I assessed all the challenge-dynamics and realized that mission-critical balls were up in the air. So, in light of assets already in flight, I had to strategize and adopt a risk-adversed
methodology for a capability to insulate our core-assets from market-forces. Therefore, after extensive brainstorming offline sessions, with the acquisition of a roadmap for a clear vision of our position in the
short runaway of such a ubiquitous initiative with a compressed time-frame, I developed a holistic plan-of-action to execute the low-hanging fruit with preci… <interrupted>
Me: <exasperated> Mitt, spare me your business “vaporware”.
PR: Ok. Ok. You can’t hold your horses, can you? <paper rustling>
Me: What are you doing? Are you writing down this conversation?
PR: No, just “vaporware”. Thanks, man. Can I use it in the next board meeting?
Me: No. It’s copyrighted.
PR: He! he! he! I like you, man. Alright. But back to the subject. Did it the Chinese-slash-Mexican way. I am married to a nice Indian lady.
Me: Married? But you are already married. Did your wife leave …
PR: No, no, no. It’s all business. Nothing personal. You see, we did that circling-thingy in the temple with the priest, song-and-dance and all. Except it was 6 circles. Like in bollywood, as you say, “philums”. So, it’s all “unofficially” “official”. He! he! he! Talk about exploiting loopholes. <turning face away from camera and winking>.
Me: <Shaking head. Sigh.>Mitt, I know you winked. <muttering: Lord Brahma, please make him stop.> Not that I care, might I ask who’s the unfortunate lady?
PR: I wrote it down somewhere. <paper rustling> Here it is. Sheila B. Gianni. Hope I said it right.
Me: Sheila B. Gianni???
PR: <big smile>Ring a bell, eh? Financing her next big-budget “philum”? Give-and-take deal. <chortling>
Me: Who’s Sheila B…?<racking my head> SHEELA KI …? YOU ACTUALLY MEAN SHEELA KI JAWA….? <flabbergasted>
PR: Yeah. That “Sheila”!
Me:<FOFL><breakfast bowls flying in the air><ROFL><bowls crashing><LRL><bowls breaking><LSHMBH><donuts, ice-cream, strawberry milkshake, cheese danish all over my face><CBLTH>
PR: Hey, what was that? Is your wife beating you…again?
Me: <tears of laughter><catching my breath>No. Oh, boy. THAT IS HILARIOUS.
PR: Clever stratagem. Right? <giggling>
Me: I must admit you have outdone yourself this time. Sheila Ki Ja…. <laughing to myself> That’s the name of her song. Your brand new wife does have a name. It’s Ka….
PR: Gawd! I do. She’s my wife, man. It’s just that Sheila B. Gianni sounds, like you Indians say, “umrika”-like. <chuckling>
Me: Congratulations! … “unofficially”
PR: Much appreciated, my brother. So, how’s the ceremony gonna be like?
Me: Ceremony? Didn’t you just say it’s done?
PR: No, no. I mean, the red carpet welcome. I deserve it. After all, I am gonna be Minister of Finance. I see garlands, fireworks, elephants, trumpets, dancing girls. The entire platinum package. <giggling>
Me: Hmm… Let me see. Phony marriage. Forged documents. False identity. Bogus election.
PR: <indignant> Phony? Forged?!!! Those are serious allegations. <true politician-like>
Me: Yes, you can expect a grand welcome ceremony. Third Degree package.
PR: Third Degree??? What is it? Better than platinum package?
Me: You know “IKIWISI”?
PR: Yes, “I’ll know it when …”<interrupted>
Me: YWKIWYFI?
PR: YWKIWYFI??!!
Me: You Will Know It When You Feel It. All the best. Preet. <hangs up>
<Switches to uni-screen. Wide-angle shot>
PR: <dial tone><astonished><checks signal bars on phone>Hello? PC, you there?
<automated voice: “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again.”><screen collapses>
<credit rolls>
<soundtrack plays: Van Halen’s “Dreams”>
<
World turns black and white
Pictures in an empty room
Your love starts fallin’ down
…
Standing on broken dreams
But never losing sight
Spread your wings
….
So baby dry your eyes, save all the tears you’ve cried
Ohh that’s what dreams are made of
…
Higher and higher who knows what we’ll find
And in the end on dreams we will depend
Cause that’s what love is made of
>
<credit ends>
<CAPTION: PC & PR Will Be Back in “I Dream of Sheila 2: Tears Aren’t Forever”>