By Paonam Thoibi
`The ban on hitting a child for disciplining is resolved after much study by social scientist that derived that this kind of violent disciplining does more harm than good to children`
Q.1. Dear Counselor, you have answered in the last Saturday`™s column that disciplining children involving beating them is not good. I think parents scold their children; beat them at times for changing their bad behavior when they would not listen or pay heed to just anything. Will you tell us how we will adopt a different method of dealing with children when we still have a common saying- `spare the rod and spoil the child`? A parent
Ans: Dear parent, I understand the concern you are showing when it comes to parenting, which everyone will agree is the most challenging task. We are brought up in a society which have always believed that hitting a child, using a rod is not only alright and harmless but also compulsory. It is believed that a parent is negligent if he/she does not do the same. Especially when a child did something unpleasant in front of many people, the parents are obliged to correct it immediately then and there. The ban on hitting a child for disciplining is resolved after much study by social scientist that derived that this kind of violent disciplining does more harm than good to children. We all know and agree the Manipuri saying `thoubankhong chafu bu kainaba yeibara?` which means we don`™t hit our child to break them, hurt them or do irreversible harm to them. But we should also know that there`™s a phenomena of `chei khaangba` with children which means they adapt to the pain and unpleasant treatment and never changes their bad behavior. Some parents immediately get to know that the strict and violent disciplining style is not working. Therefore, they feel they should beat them more, talk with them harsher and not be enough by just talking. Unfortunately, the child gets used to it and is not affected by any harsh treatment anymore after a while. Adversely, it may also become an ingredient to lose trust and confidence with their parents.
Most of children`™s behavior is predictive in nature and sometimes parents can predict when a child will behave to a certain situation, command or advice. Parents can use that predictability to improve children`s behavior without shouting or hitting and by treating them nicely, carefully so as not to give them an opportunity to misbehave and allowing them to respond in a specific desirable manner. This can particularly happen successfully if the parents can keep a check on their own stress and avoid misdirecting their anger to their child, who is not at fault most of the time.
Often times, parents overlook small good deeds a child had performed during the day and is easily provoked by a single misconduct and react to it in a manner which looks threatening to a child. Simple punishment- brief and sparingly used is also considered effective and implementable. However, it is said that promptly praising a child for good behavior is much more effective in improving behavior than punishment Children also misbehaves most of the times as they imitate elders who more or else displays similar attitudes at home. Therefore, to be a parent is to abide by a commitment wherein you will prepare yourself to display the best kind of behavior as it is what your child will get to see immediately, copy and give back to you in no time.
The tips I have shared above is not the only ones which can be used. Having a child demands that a person be at his/her creative best, be intuitive, innovate and try parenting styles which deem fit for a particular child.
Q.2. Dear counselor, the streets of Imphal has become extremely dangerous with too many vehicles. On top of that there is rash driving. The autoes, VIP and their security vehicles, security forces convoy. They do not care for others on the road. Youngsters on motorbike are so reckless. I can understand the kind of thrill they enjoy. It is because of their age. But I failed to understand the parents and the thrill of buying such vehicles for their children. – A daily commuter, Sega Road.
Ans: Youngsters, especially the young adolescents are adventure seeking by nature. To them, speed is adventure and is necessary when they try to create a self-identity in front of their peers. They enjoy the attention they get out of their behavior which gets noticed and invites a comment or critique from people around them. They also want to take up mature activities apart from driving, like smoking etc and often ignore rational judgment. They need to be educated about the link between rash driving and chances of accidents, also which are likely to increase under the influence of drugs, with their peers when they race for thrill and excitement, reckless night driving etc
When we first comply with the demand of a child wanting a vehicle, the first and foremost duty of a parent is to make sure that the children has attained the legal age to drive, knows the safety rules of the road and that the child is properly trained to drive efficiently. As parents, one should be confident enough that their child who is growing up knows the purpose of why he/she wants a bike. Sometimes, when we object to a child`™s wish to have a bike can lead to adverse effects if the child take it as a challenge from the parents and obviously they rebel, drive reckless, try to break free from the emotional trap and confines of the home. Therefore, emotional immaturity from the parents can give a negative impact to any new task the child takes up. It is for this reason, I will say that instead of flatly refusing to buy them a bike, try to talk with them on how they see themselves with a bike, how important it is, what they will do with it- not as a possession of luxury or trophy but more as a utility which comes with an amount of responsibility etc.
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