By Tara Manchin Hangzo PhD
I missed the most wonderful thing a woman can experience i.e. childbirth and motherhood. Far too long, I led my life not experiencing the pleasure of being a mother. There are many women like me who due to circumstances in life are not able to experience the sheer pleasure of being a mother. Sometimes it is out of choice ( I know of few couple who consciously choose not to have a child) and sometime it is destiny. I feel blessed as I have an opportunity of playing small mothering roles to my many nephews and my nieces in various ways. Oh how glorious it is to be in the company of a bright and intelligent toddler and a curious smart boy. They keep you entertained and enthralled the whole day and one never gets bored in their company.
Living in a rapidly changing world our perception and views about motherhood has undergone a slight change. My mother’s generation grew up expecting to become a good wife and mother, sacrificing for her large family, and to be taken care of and honored by her children in her old age. However, her children grew up in cities like Delhi and Bangalore with very different values than she was raised with. Some of her children even moved to Western countries, and lead their own separate lives. Today she leads a totally independent life thanks to her good health and gene. My point here is that having children is to enjoy raising them, giving them the values handed down by generations after generations and not expect anything in return except love and respect. Taking care of the financial needs is always there if the need arises and our Manipuri children always obliged parents and family members in need of help.
A woman who has not been a mother and spent time with babies will not be able to comprehend the joy of motherhood. I was one of them before but not anymore. This brings to the question; does a woman have to give birth to her own child to experience motherhood? My answer will be NO! You need not give physical birth to satisfy your motherhood instinct anymore. Motherhood can now be experience by adoption, surrogacy, caring for the younger siblings in case you belong to a large family, taking care of your nieces and nephews etc. Better still, running a crèche and caring for young ones like a friend of mine who did and she said it fulfilled her maternal instincts as well as provide her good income too.
Our society is still patriarchal in nature and our culture does discriminate against barren childless women till today. The sufferings of childless women in a patriarchal society are felt only by the women as they blame themselves for their childless state.
The concept of continuous family linage through the male line is still the prevalent mindset in our society. There is a lot of pressure for married girls to give birth to a male child who will carry the family lineage forward. Hence, there are women who go through grief for not being able to bear a male child. Worse are the married women who cannot conceive and have a baby. However, motherhood can be experienced by adopting a baby who is as good as your own. In fact I encourage adoption as there are many orphans in our state. I know many single friends who adopt and married couples who go for a second baby by adopting a baby girl. In India girl child are not preferred for adoption but in our part of the world it doesn’t make a difference; the sex ratio is not skewed. In fact we have more female than male child according to the 2011 census. An example is the data of Imphal West and East that shows 1029 and 1011 while Bishnupur shows a sex ratio of 1001 females per 1000 males.
In our society, child rearing is seen as the sole prerogative of the women (mothers, aunties, grandmothers, young maids, etc). Working women have to bear the added responsibilities of housework and child-rearing over their professional functions which if not supported by family can lead to no work /life balance and stress for the woman.
Non-participation of men in household work for fear of being termed a henpecked husband is just an excuse not to do any housework. In today’s modern world, the husband and wife should take equal responsibilities to rear their children but not all do for fear that the mother would object to his contribution in household works. The main duty is pick up and drop kids for tuition classes.
Scientifically it has been proven that women are biologically programmed to connect with babies. The hormones surging through woman’s bodies make us love children, no matter what! Who can resist a cute baby? Isn’t a mother with her suckling child at her breast the sweetest sight? My sisters and friends who are married and had kids tell me that becoming a mother is their most joyful, elating and empowering moment. For some, being a mother is the most rewarding and for others it can be frustratingly rewarding. But they will not exchange it for anything in the world. They said kids challenge you, mould you and in some ways define who you are. This mother child relationship at least in terms of influence, is definitely a two way street.
I must confess that seeing my friends with the cutest baby bumps used to cause a slight envy in my heart but at the same time it warmed my heart too. I think a pregnant woman is adorable with the fuss the husband and family makes over her and the maternity dresses that modern girls sport. My very modern niece who married a foreigner flaunts her baby bump with a sexy outfit and shoes and it just looked so natural. She is celebrating her pregnancy and womanhood and yes that’s how one should feel. In the past, most women would cover their bumps and not wear high heels or tight fitting maternal dresses.
Sometime one hears stories of a teenage girl who delivered a baby in the middle of the night and her family was not aware of her pregnancy at all. She is just 15 or 16 years old and not ready for motherhood so her family will raise her child as her younger sibling. She could continue leading a normal life and ultimately marry but would not be allow taking her child to her new life with her husband as per the customary law.
Look at another scenario, an empowered working divorcee decided to take matters into her hand by becoming a mother, impregnating herself with sperms from her married lover. She raises her child and enjoys the joys of motherhood as a single mother enduring snide remarks. Ultimately, it’s her decision to become a mother. She chose not to deny herself the joys of motherhood. It’s all about a choice a woman makes. She was ready to become a mother and she became one.
A lesbian couple decided to adopt a girl child and experience the joys of motherhood which is brave and admirable. Earlier, laws were stringent for single unmarried woman to adopt but actress Sushmita Sen paved the way for many single women to adopt and satisfy their maternal instincts. There are many modern married working women who go for adoption when they realised they cannot have children of their own. Kudos to them!
In today’s world pregnancy is a celebration of life, many opt now for C- section for a painless birth .Few opt for natural labour, many go for an epidural. Some like to give birth in the warm water to mimic the womb and induce the least trauma to the child. Everyone is entitled to do something different and enjoy the process of childbirth whichever way they like. Nowadays men too are entitled to paternity leave and enjoy fatherhood as much as the mother enjoys hers. Child rearing is a joint responsibly.
My mother’s generation had no such choices so they had natural birth at home, assisted by an experience “Dai” or the friendly neighbourhood nurse who charges nominal amount. They sail through pregnancy and child birth without frills and fuss and surprisingly the maternal and infant mortality rate was not high as compared to others state and Nepal.
Children whether a boy or a girl are indeed blessings, they are gifts from god. To me, a childless woman it doesn’t matter if the blessings are pouring over my life or onto another’s we are to celebrate joyfully with those who are blessed with motherhood.
Frankly after regaining my lost motherhood vicariously, today my heart is healing, and my joy is overflowing. I want my single/ divorced/widowed/ lonely friends who are yet to be pregnant or adopt to experience the same feelings. I want them to have the joy of experiencing motherhood by any means.
God’s blessings on each of our lives are unique. Not one of His gifts is cloned for multiple people. Sure, the gifts of motherhood and parenthood are gifted to many and denied to some, yet the blessing is in the child who is given to us through natural birth or adoption or by default. And all children are special. I feel I have gained my lost motherhood as I play with my nephew or sing him a lullaby at bedtime. Today, I am joyfully expectant for the journey being a mother in the form of other’s kids or through adoption.
To all my fellow women, I challenged you even though you are childless. Rather than envying those who surround us, take a step back and be thankful for what God has already blessed you with your own nieces and nephews and orphans kids. They maybe other’s children but you can enjoy the experience of motherhood, if only you have the compassion, love, time, the energy and the resources to be with children. Embraced denied motherhood, which is now within your grasp. Blessings are about to overflow!